The Goodness of Marriage

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0:18If this is your very first Sunday with us, you picked quite a Sunday. Before we begin, let me do acknowledge the sensitivity and the complexity of the issue before us. We've been preaching through Matthew, and we come to chapter 19, and I know that marriage, divorce, singleness, these are not abstract theological ideas. These are deeply personal realities for almost all of us. Either you've been touched by divorce directly or through family and friends. And so my aim this morning is not just to discuss a doctrine, but to guide us to understand what Jesus is teaching us and then to receive it for our good this morning. So would you join me as I pray and ask the Lord for his help?

1:18Father, we need your help this morning. So give us soft and teachable hearts to receive and to obey your word. Help us to see glorious truths here in this text for our good, and incline us to you, and help us to be those who uphold your good design for marriage. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. If you're married this morning, think back to your wedding vows. Think back to your wedding vows. Chances are they included language that went something like this: for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live. No couple stands at the altar, at least not that I have seen at this point, and says, "We'll try this for a few years and see how it goes."

2:30We instinctively use the language of permanence because marriage was designed to be permanent, and that's precisely where Jesus begins. In your Bibles, you'll see the header, if you have a English Standard Version, an ESV, for verses one through 12 of chapter 19 has the header Teaching About Divorce, and I would suggest that a more helpful title is Teaching About Marriage. Jesus addresses divorce, but he's teaching on the meaning of marriage here this morning. And I just want to acknowledge that there's a challenge with this text because many Christians who are all trying to carefully understand and interpret God's Word disagree on how to interpret this passage this morning.

3:22Even among our elders, there are a diversity of views and perspectives. And so I want to encourage us to hold our convictions with humility and charity. No one is a heretic by holding to a different interpretation on this section of scripture. And the main point of our passage this morning is very clear. Jesus upholds God's design for covenant faithfulness in marriage. Jesus upholds God's design for covenant faithfulness in marriage. Throughout this text, we'll see that Jesus highly esteems marriage, and the aim for us is that we would do so as well. And while he does address divorce, we don't want to miss the bigger picture.

4:15Marriage is a good and glorious gift from God for us. So I want to look at our passage in three points. God's good design, man's hard heart, and then the unique calling of singleness. So God's good design, man's hard heart, and then this unique call of singleness. So first, we're going to look at God's good design for marriage. You'll notice how chapter 19 begins. Jesus concludes his teaching on the community of faith. "Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there."

5:00This is beginning to tell us that Jesus is leaving that region and headed to the cross. It begins his journey toward Jerusalem, and he's moving towards his crucifixion and death. Now look with me at verse three. "And the Pharisees came to Jesus and tested him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?'" Now, the Pharisees are not asking a sincere question. We've seen all the way back in Matthew chapter 14 that the Pharisees have decided, they'd determined, that Jesus is a false teacher, and they were seeking, they were conspiring how they would destroy him. So they're seeking to trap Jesus in his words.

5:50Now, what's the trap here? Well, I think the Pharisees are well familiar that they're in the region of Herod, and John the Baptist spoke out against Herod's divorce and remarriage.He divorced his wife, he married his sister-in-law, Herodias, and that ultimately resulted in John the Baptist's arrest and then beheading. And so the Pharisees are thinking, "Maybe Herod will do our work for us. If we can get Jesus to say something that'll offend Herod, word will get back to him, he'll get arrested, and he'll be beheaded." That's the trap. Now, the Pharisees' question, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause, centers around a legal debate in those days around Deuteronomy 24:1-4. I'm not going to read it for us, but you can take a look there if you'd like.

6:45Particularly verse one. And this verse essentially says that when a man marries a woman, and this is Moses teaching in the law, that if she finds no favor in his eyes, because he has found some indecency in her, he can write her a certificate of divorce and send her away. Now, in Jesus' day, there were two schools of the Pharisees, the Shammai and the Hillel. The Shammai school, the more conservative one, understood indecency to refer to sexual immorality, sexual sins such as adultery or incest or prostitution or homosexuality. But there was the other school, which was the more dominant view, the more commonly accepted view in Jesus' day, and they viewed this indecency as anything one wanted. It could be that she burned the meal, he found a prettier woman. For any reason whatsoever, one can divorce their spouse.

7:50And so the Pharisees want Jesus to take sides. Now, look with me at verses four to six. "Jesus answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?' And he said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'" So Jesus doesn't engage, doesn't take the bait to debate Deuteronomy 24. He actually begins by challenging their interpretation of the scriptures. "Have you not read?" Implication, I don't think you guys read very well.

8:40The phrase, from the beginning, goes all the way back to Genesis 1:1. He's employing this old rabbinic technique, going back to a weightier passage, an earlier text, and then he quotes Genesis 1:27. God created male and female. He designed marriage a very particular way, as this covenant union between one man and one woman. And then he shows that marriage is central to God's plan and purpose for creation. It's before the Fall. God is the one who created marriage. This is not some man-made institution where you get to determine how you want to handle it. And you don't get to make up the rules, Jesus is saying.

9:31God made marriage, and he made it for our good, between a man and a woman. It's part of God's very good creation prior to the Fall. And then Jesus goes on to quote Genesis 2:24. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a one-flesh union. God's good design is that a man and a woman come together, and divorce then is never the way it was supposed to be. God's design is for a man and a woman to be joined together, and there's something miraculous that happens in that, where two become one. Marriage is a one-flesh union that God himself is bringing together. He's the one who's enacting it, and the Pharisees have missed the point by focusing in on the exception.

10:42So we can make one main inference from this. God designed marriage as a lifelong union of one man and one woman. To separate this one-flesh union is to separate or to divide what God himself has brought together. It would be akin to amputation or dismemberment, which is why divorce is always so painful. And so Jesus cites Genesis to suggest that the Pharisees have missed the very true purpose of marriage. It's a God-ordained institution, and it's to remain lifelong. It's a covenant union. So what Jesus is doing is he's combating the casual, no-fault divorce of his culture in that time, and he's combating our no-fault divorce culture in our time.

11:41Marriage is this permanent union for the good of his people. It's a blessing, and it's a gift from God. It was created all the way back prior to the Fall for our good. It's a blessing. And so Jesus redirects discussion about divorce to God's design for covenant faithfulness.Now, this leads to man's hardness of heart. Look with me at verses seven to nine. So the Pharisees, they say to him, they say to Jesus, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?" So the Pharisees see what Jesus is doing, and they go straight for Deuteronomy 24, and they say, "But the Old Testament law, Moses gave us these instructions." And many of the Pharisees in that time believed that divorce was not only permissible, but it was actually required.

12:41It was commanded when there was sexual immorality. So there was all sorts of reasons you could potentially pursue a divorce, but then when sexual immorality had actually happened, you had to get a divorce. So that's why they say it's commanded. Why did Moses command divorce in verse seven? How does Jesus respond? Verse eight and nine. Jesus said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives. But from the beginning, it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality and marries another, commits adultery." So divorce, Jesus is saying, was a concession because of man's hardness of heart.

13:27Divorce was permitted, but it was never commanded, it was never required, and it was not part of God's original good plan and design for marriage. Therefore, Deuteronomy 24 is given to regulate certain aspects of our fallen human nature. And we can go to the scriptures and see many instances of this. The Old Testament would give instructions on regulating things such as polygamy or vengeance or divorce or slavery. And so there's instructions on, well, if a man takes another wife and he already has a first wife, this is how he is to care for his first wife. Or this is how you're supposed to treat slaves, whether that's a fellow Israelite or a foreigner. Or an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

14:24But all of these laws restrain human sinfulness, and they don't present God's original purpose and design for mankind. An eye for an eye. If someone damages your eye, you get to take theirs. It's to limit the wickedness of mankind. Because if someone gouges out your eye on accident, you're prone to take both of them or to kill them in retaliation. And Jesus is trying to restrain our wickedness. So there's all sorts of Old Testament laws that restrain our wickedness and yet are not presenting God's design for humanity, his original purpose. So what does verse nine mean? "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality and marries another, commits adultery."

15:15Jesus is correcting the Pharisees' understanding. So God designed marriage not with divorce as one of its features, but rather it's because of our fallenness. Now, verse nine, as well as Matthew 5:32, which we looked at many months ago, is highly debated. And I'm just going to summarize the various views, and then I'm just going to go ahead and preach it as I understand it. And again, many godly Christians who all care about marriage, who care about God's Word, disagree on the interpretation of these passages. So the three views are some would permit neither divorce in most cases nor remarriage. So they would say, lifelong union, you should never get divorced, and if you do get divorced, you should never remarry.

16:07Others permit divorce in certain limited circumstances, but not remarriage. So if you do get a divorce, you can never get remarried, and you should remain celibate and single. And then there's the third view that some believe that scripture permits divorce and remarriage in certain covenant-breaking situations. And so the first two views would be considered the minority views. The third view is considered the majority view. And all of these views are different from what the Pharisees themselves held at this time. Now, I'll tell you, I hold the third view, and I'm going to show us why. One of the main areas of contention is how to understand the word for sexual immorality in verse nine.

16:53It's the word porneia in the Greek. Jesus does not use the word for adultery, which is mokeia, but the broader term porneia, which could refer to a broad range of sexual sin, as was mentioned earlier, like adultery or fornication or incest or prostitution or homosexuality, and the list goes on and on. And the plain reading of the text is that sexual unfaithfulness breaks the marriage bond and frees the innocent spouse to remarry. And the new union invalidates the first union. And so Jesus is saying here in verse nine that there's only one exception to the rule, namely serious sexual sin against one's spouse.

17:41If we go to 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, we might see another exception, which would be abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. In other words, you can't divorce them for burning the food. You can't divorce them for whatever reason you want, only for the most serious of covenant-breaking sins. Now, the question that often arises is why do Mark and Luke not include the exception clause? If you go to the parallel passages in Mark and Luke, Mark 10, Luke 16, why don't they have this exception? It's because Jesus was specifically addressing a controversy around no-fault divorce in Matthew.And both Jews and Gentiles, as well as Romans in that time, would have assumed that there were legitimate grounds for divorce, such as adultery. And so we'll often speak without mentioning the exceptions because those are assumed. It's like we might say, "Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has committed adultery." And what you mean by that is if he looks at any woman except for his wife, because if he looks at his wife in that way, it's okay.

18:50Now, some believe porneia refers exclusively to fornication, like Joseph resolving to divorce Mary while they were betrothed to one another in Matthew 1:19. But porneia is never restricted to fornication anywhere in the New Testament, nor is it used in Matthew 1 to describe why Joseph resolved to divorce Mary. So the context of this passage is marriage, not betrothal. So porneia is this broad term to describe all manner of sexual sin. So what Jesus is saying is that if divorce is initiated without evidence of sexual immorality, the divorce is illegitimate. And therefore, when either divorced spouse remarries and consummates the marriage, they're actually committing adultery because they do not have proper grounds for divorce.

19:51Now, I get we don't usually talk about the Greek. This is getting more technical, and for some of you, it's not technical enough, and you want to read more, you want to study more. And I'm just going to go back to remind us of Jesus' aim in this. Jesus is teaching that divorce is not part of God's original design. Moses permitted it in the Old Testament. The Pharisees had perverted the law to enable no-fault divorce, but that was never the way it was supposed to be, and Jesus is more radical than either school of the Pharisees. Where Jewish and Roman law mandated divorce for sexual immorality, Jesus prohibited most divorce. He permits it only for sexual immorality, and yet he calls his disciples even to a better way, namely forgiving, repenting, restoring, and reconciling. I don't think it's an accident that chapter 18, where that ended, 21 to 35, was if your brother sins against you seven times, forgive. No, 77 times, 490 times, 18,000 times. The point is we ought to be the type of people who are constantly seeking to forgive one another, including those in our families, such as our spouses.

21:13So the Pharisees' question revealed their very deficiency. Do you see that? For what reason can a man divorce his wife? It's just like at the end of chapter 18, where Peter comes to Jesus and says, "How many times do I have to forgive my brother? Because I'm keeping count, and after it gets over seven, I'm done." And Jesus is saying, "Peter, that's the wrong question. You shouldn't be keeping count. You should be the type of person who reflects the very heart of the Father, long-suffering, eager to forgive, to work towards reconciliation, even in the most difficult and heartbreaking of situations." And I think that is in aim here in this text as well.

21:57And so we can debate the merits of whether there are biblical grounds for divorce and what they are, and whether remarriage is permissible, but I don't want us to lose sight of the more central teaching of Jesus here this morning. You should be the type of person who labors to preserve marriage as a lifelong union that reflects God's glorious and good design. Let's be people who don't hone in on what are the reasons, but let's be people who work hard for our marriages to glorify God and to reflect the love of Christ for his church.

22:42Even in situations where divorce may be biblically warranted, it is still a tragedy, and it should never be sought out lightly. It's like in war. Even if a killing of an enemy combatant is justified, no one feels good about a life that is lost. And in the same way, divorce is always tragic, always lamentable. Even if there's biblical grounds, it's painful, and it leads to a lifetime of scars and suffering. So Jesus reveals that we have heart problems, not spouse problems. The problem at work in our world is our hardness of heart. Yes, there are difficulties in every marriage, and some are more serious than others, but Jesus is showing the Pharisees a hardness of heart.

23:37Not just a hardness to Jesus, but a hardness to God's good design for life. Look at the things God has given you for your good, and look how you're trying to find all the exceptions to get out of God's good design. And so Jesus is calling his disciples not to harden our hearts, but to be people who forgive again and again. So Jesus is presenting this grander vision for the sacredness of marriage. Now, look with me at verses 10 to 12, the unique calling of singleness. Verse 10 reads, "The disciples said to him, 'If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.'"But Jesus said to them, "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.

24:31For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this, receive it." So the disciples respond, recognizing the difficulty of Jesus' teaching here. No matter how you interpret porneia from verse nine, the disciples are more or less saying the same thing in 10 through 12. Basically, if marriage is that difficult that you can never get a divorce or you can never get remarried, or that you can only get divorced in the smallest of reasons, then maybe it's best to stay single.

25:13It's a bit of a half serious suggestion, because in Jewish culture, marriage was an expectation and a duty. The implication is the disciples saying, "Man, that's a hard teaching. Maybe we should just stay single, Jesus." And what does Jesus say? He doesn't give them a pep talk about the greatness of marriage. He doesn't say, "No, guys, all of us should get married." What does he do? He actually introduces a new category, singleness for the sake of the kingdom. So what that does is he implies that marriage is indeed the norm for most of us. For most of the disciples, it would probably be the norm, but then he begins to introduce singleness for the sake of the kingdom. There are natural eunuchs, those born that way.

25:56There are unnatural eunuchs, some made that way. And here now, these are kingdom-minded eunuchs. In other words, Jesus is saying that you can indeed make too much of marriage. Marriage is not the be all end all of life. Expressing your sexuality is not the ultimate calling, and that's what our world has made it. Expressive individualism is, I want to be able to do whatever I want with my body, with whoever I want, any time that I want, in any way that I want, and that is my fundamental identity. I'm going to put pronouns and all sorts of other realities to tell people that that's how I use my body. And Jesus is saying, your sexuality is not the be all end all of who you are. Marriage is not the be all end all of who you are.

26:48What he's saying is that Christ is the pinnacle of life. The kingdom of heaven is the pinnacle of life, and it's so important that some will forego marriage, forego marital sexual intimacy, in order to be devoted to Christ's kingdom, and that's good. And those who do, they have really good company. John the Baptist, Jesus, and Paul. So those who remain single can give themselves wholly to serve Christ's kingdom. It doesn't mean that singleness is intrinsically holier or more noble, and no one wants to forbid marriage, but it is an honorable pathway, and it's not to be looked down upon. Paul later teaches if you're going to burn with passion, it's better for you to get married. And so it will become increasingly obvious whether or not you have that unique calling. The normal pattern for most is marriage, to have children, to be fruitful, and to multiply. And yet there are those with the gift of singleness, and there are those without the gift of singleness.

28:05And if you don't believe you have that gift and you are single, we encourage you, pursue marriage insofar as it depends upon you. Singleness is not a spiritual deficiency or delayed adulthood. It is a gift from God to steward for his purposes. And singleness for the Lord reveals that marriage is not ultimate. Christ and his kingdom is our highest calling. And that's true whether you're married, divorced, or single. Seek first the kingdom of God.

28:44There's a couple of takeaways that I want to draw out from this text. The first is that marriage is worth protecting and fighting for. Marriage is really worth protecting and fighting for. It's part of God's good gift and blessing to humanity. It came before the fall, and God himself devoted precious time in creation to bring about the very first marriage. Adam, here is Eve for you, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, and this is very good.

29:25And so when marriage gets hard, repent, forgive, reconcile. Even if your spouse sins against you again and again, which they will do, and you will do as well, seek to forgive. If your spouse commits adultery or some serious sexual sin, our desire ought to be reconciliation. There are very few people in the world who will tell you that. Everyone else will say, "Well, you have your door to go." And yet, in the church, our marriages should not reflect the world. They should not reflect the values of the world. They should not reflect the no-fault divorce patterns of our world. And though reconciliation is not always possible and it's not always wise in every situation, may we be those who protect and fight for God-honoring marriages.No one all of a sudden, one day commits adultery.

30:37No one. It begins with discontent, a pattern of discontent, and dissatisfaction. And then a spouse, feeling neglected, begins to find love and respect and validation and attention elsewhere. And then slowly, that gives birth to sin. And so our aim this morning is not just marriages that stay together, white-knuckling it, but marriages that reflect the beauty of Christ and his church. Protect and fight for a marriage this morning, brothers and sisters, that glorifies God and reveals the goodness of God's gift. So don't just say, "Well, we've been married 50 years." 49 of them have been miserable.

31:35Cultivate, fight for marriages where you would look and say, "I love you more than when I first met you. Every year has gotten sweeter." One practical application is to encourage each other in our marriages. I know we don't talk much about our marriages, and very few people will ask questions about that. It's a bit of off-limits for us here. I remember once, I was in seminary. I was talking with a brother, and I was complaining, and to my shame, I was complaining about something related to my wife, Stephanie. She doesn't know this story. Her heart rate is rising.

32:19I was being critical. And so he looks over at me and he says, "Dude, we have the most amazing wives in the world. They left everything and followed us to go to seminary in Minnesota of all places." "We are so blessed." It was the kindest rebuke that I've ever received, and it has stayed with me to this day. I was being an idiot, and my wife is amazing. She is amazing, she was amazing, she will be amazing, Lord willing.

33:04And I needed a brother to remind me of that. And so brothers and sisters, in your small groups, in your relationships, spur one another on to God-honoring marriages this morning. Don't just white-knuckle it. If you need help, get help. Second, I want to give a pastoral word to the various people here this morning. To the married, well, that was a word for you already, but seek to forgive. Cultivate that long-suffering. Suffer unjustly and trust the Lord. He will never leave you, nor will he forsake you. To the divorced or the divorced and remarried, I need you to hear loud and clear, you are welcome here.

33:59You are welcome here at this church. These are hard things. You will need to fight misplaced shame. We will need to walk with those who have been divorced to work through all the dynamics that come with that. But we want you to hear that you are not a second-class citizen here at this church. Those who are remarried from divorce, preserve your marriages. Fight in the same way to glorify God in those marriages. You can't go back and replay what you could've done differently. And so the word I want you to hear is that divorce is not the unforgivable sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

34:51Praise God for his grace, for all of our sins. Singles, young singles, older singles, single people, seek godly marriages, unless you're uniquely called to single-minded focus on the kingdom. For those with unwanted singleness, trust the Lord and trust his plan for your life. He will never leave you, nor will he forsake you, and he can meet all of your needs. He can satisfy the very deepest longings of your soul, and the ability to express marital sexual intimacy is not the be-all end-all of life. If singleness is a painful reality for you, know that Christ sees you, loves you, and knows your pain this morning.

35:51And for the families, let's love the singles, the divorcees, and the widows and the widowers among us. They need the body of Christ around them. And then for those who are pondering or actively considering divorce this morning, and in a group this large, I imagine that there are even some, we want to do whatever it takes to preserve marriage. So in the same people that most people get a pastor involved when they set off to go get married and get some premarital counseling or have a pastor officiate a wedding, we want to walk with you in the difficulties in your marriage as well. And so let me encourage you, if that's you, reach out to one of the eldersYou can reach out for counseling. We want to discuss your situation with you, and we want to point you to God's word and his good design.

36:54Jesus' teaching goes all the way back to Genesis, in the beginning, and it points us not only to the beginning of creation, but it points us to new creation as well. Because by his work on the cross for us, shedding his blood, this precious blood of Christ that forgives our sins and reconciles us to the Father, and gives us access into the most holy of holies of King Jesus, and that now we're sons and daughters of the Most High King. A transformative reality has happened for everyone who is in Christ. Our hearts of stone have been taken out, and a heart of flesh has been put inside of us so that we can not only love God, but that we can forgive, and that there isn't this hardness of heart that says, "No, I'm not going to forgive you for that." But instead that we would be transformed by the gospel so profoundly that we would be those who magnify Christ in these lifelong unions.

38:06The miracle of the new creation and of the new covenant is that now we can indeed, through the indwelling power of the Spirit, you can by God's strength, flee sexual immorality. You can. You can do it. You need to fight. And we can guard marital intimacy. We can labor to forgive, and we can reveal the preciousness and the beauty of Christ's transformative work in our lives. And let me just say, this is a heartbreaking reality, but I fully expect that there are some here in this room whose spouse will commit adultery, and God's calling upon your life is to give us a testimony of forgiveness, of reconciliation, and what is wicked and evil, that the Lord would use it for beauty and for good.

39:07The hope of the gospel is so much greater. It's not that we can remain perfectly faithful to God, because we all know the state of our hearts. We're prone to wander. We sin, and yet Jesus remains the perfect groom who never abandons his bride. He sees our wandering. He sees our weakness. He sees our filth. He sees our sexual sin, and he says, "I still want you." When he went to the cross, he saw all that he would take upon himself, and he says, "That is my bride. I'm going to wash her. I'm going to cleanse her. I'm going to sanctify her. I'm going to rescue her, and I am going to make her an emblem of mercy and of grace." And so that is the good news of the gospel this morning.

40:03No matter how we have sinned, no matter how we have strayed, we have the Lord Jesus Christ, the perfect groom who will never divorce his bride, the church. He will never cast her away. He will never abandon her. He will never fail to forgive as we repent and as we come back to the Lord Jesus Christ. We have the perfect groom, the Lord Jesus, who loves us, who knows us, who sees us, and the covenant love of Christ will never, ever, ever, ever fail. And so rest in him. Let's pray. Father, I know this is a hard word, and yet it's for our good this morning, and so do good because you are good. And for all the various people and all the various situations represented here in this room, oh, do far more than we can ask or imagine for your glory and for our good.

41:14In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Jump to live
Jump to live

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The Goodness of Marriage

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Woe To Hypocrites!

The Humble Shall Be Exalted

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The Greatest Commandments

God of the Living

God, or Caesar?

The Parable Of The Wedding Feast

The Rejected Cornerstone

A Tale of Two Sons

Jesus’ Authority

A Serious Call to Repentance and Prayer

Our Passover Lamb: The Provocation of Jesus’ Anger

Jesus’ Entry Into Jerusalem

Behold the Merciful Messiah

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Forming Continuing Faith

Not Just Justice

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